Whenever I hear a woman start bragging about what a great dad her husband is, I inevitably brace myself for all of the stupid things that are about to come out of her mouth.
Here are some of the reasons why men are getting the prestigious title of #bestdadever:
"Whenever I need him to watch the kids he never complains."
"He doesn't mind helping out with changing diapers."
"My hubby takes one night time feed with the baby so that I can get an extra hour or two of sleep. He's one in a million!"
"(insert random douche bag male name) is such a great dad! Just yesterday he put a ponytail in (insert random silly girl name)'s hair!"
Come on people!!! It's not like these guys just discovered the cure for cancer. If women are truly seeking gender equality these days we need to stop praising fathers for doing the everyday, mundane tasks that moms do all the time.
Come on people!!! It's not like these guys just discovered the cure for cancer. If women are truly seeking gender equality these days we need to stop praising fathers for doing the everyday, mundane tasks that moms do all the time.
Can you imagine how absurd it would sound if we bragged about mothers in the same way?
"She's such a great mom... she dressed the kids for school this morning!"
"Every night after I bath the kids and get them ready for bed, my wife comes in and gives each one of them a hug and a kiss goodnight! It just melts my heart!"
"My wife is such a champ... she'll actually change poopy diapers!"
"The other day, my wife came home from work and took the kids out to the park for an hour just so that I could finish doing the laundry! She's a real doll!"
"The other day, my wife came home from work and took the kids out to the park for an hour just so that I could finish doing the laundry! She's a real doll!"
It sounds ridiculous! We'd all be secretly thinking that this woman sounds like an awful mother.
So, why is it that when a father is seen holding his baby he gets revered like a superhero?
Well, I'll tell you.
Men get overly flattered for basic parenting tasks because there is a huge underlying fear that the father of your children won't stick around (and it's not without good reason!). Since the mid 1970's, there has been a staggering incline of single mothers in Canada (Stats Canada); and 'Dead Beat Dads' are so common place nowadays that you could literally throw a dart out your window and hit one.
The vast majority of today's single parents are made up of women. So if your baby daddy is actually present in your everyday life, as a mom, you sort of (secretly) consider yourself "lucky". I know I do.
Obviously it's great to get credibility for being just a plain ole, decent parent. I love hearing compliments about being a good mother, even if it's just for doing the everyday basics like keeping my kid alive and not going crazy.
But when it comes to the constant, gratuitous adoration that fathers receive for doing routine, parenting chores... I have a problem.
The only thing worse than a woman bragging about what a great dad her husband is, is a man bragging about what a great dad HE is.
I see this type of self-adulation mostly in form of "selfies" on Instagram or Facebook. Imagine this: a selfie of a dad with his baby. His morning coffee mug says "Best Dad Ever". The bags under his eyes are black. The baby he is holding has a bottle of milk. The dad has the proud yet tired smile of a Greek God who has just won a great battle that lasted a 1000 years. The caption says, "It was a really rough night, but I'm so lucky to have this daddy-daughter time with my little baby so that my wife can have her 'Mommy Time' #dadsofinstagram #bestdadever #guilttrip #imadouchebag "
Excuse me for a minute while I 'eye-roll' myself into a full blown seizure.
The only thing worse than a dad bragging about what a great dad he is, is all the people who leave comments, feeding the fire, saying, "Oh my goodness, you're such a great dad!!" Does anyone care that the mother of the baby has a rough night with this kid... EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. ????
No.
Don't get me wrong... this isn't male bashing. This is about giving credit where credit is due and reserving excessive praise for things that are truly worthy of it. My husband is a great father to our child, but my reasons for saying that aren't just because he takes part in normal, parenting duties. He's a great dad for all of the same reasons I think he's a great husband and person. He's kind, generous, hard-working, funny, patient, respectful, fair and sometimes he laughs at my jokes.
It's great to build up our partners with compliments and appreciation, all I'm saying is, let's just keep it equal between moms and dads. :)
Cheers!
Bootsy
Well, I'm sitting here having my morning coffee and happened to have some darts nearby so I threw one out and sure enough, there was a deadbeat dad in the garden (he didn't appreciate getting punctured, but I told him to go home and take care of his kid).
ReplyDeleteYou'll probably start a firestorm of reactive idiots who think every issue is a zero-sum argument - but anyone who takes the time to read and think about what you are writing will understand!
I hope it was a lawn dart. lol
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment! And thanks for making me Google search the definition of a "zero-sum argument"... I feel smarter already.
I agree that there will probably be individuals who see this as a 'your gain is my loss'/'complaining mom' kind of article. However, I see it as more of an equality issue related to displaying appropriate levels of appreciation and making sure that each parent gets their 'just desserts' (as they would say on Downton Abbey). :)
Amanda - I love this! You are so right about feeding the gender inequality. I really try hard to not praise (or even thank, sometimes) my husband when he does regular everyday things that I am ALWAYS doing. But, of course, I absolutely love he is doing that thing so I don't have to do it later.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough thing because evolutionarily men don't look after the babies. It's the way life came about. But in the here and now they should, and a lot of them do. But the over-praising is ridiculous. And you have a great of showing us just how ridiculous it really is.
I love your writing style. :)
~Jess
Thank you Jessica!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree that from an evolutionary stand point the idea of men helping raise their off spring is nothing short of a miracle. Now-a-days, it's very common, if not even 'expected', but the proportion of praise/appreciation is so uneven.
Speaking from the perspective of a stay at home mom, I find my constant everyday duties of parenthood get constantly overlooked by outsiders (I'm actually motivated to write a follow-up blog about that issue too). Working moms, like yourself, may deal with feelings of guilt for being away from your children, but stay at home mothers are dealing with the flip side of that. It's especially annoying when people ask you what you do all day, or 'how do you keep busy?' There are far too many ignorant people out in the world who think it's some sort of vacation. Then, the same ignorant people turn around and over praise dads for something as silly as brushing their kid's hair. lol
I digress... thank you for your comment and for following my blog! :D