Friday, April 11, 2014

Styling For Your Age: And Tales of Midlife Fashion Disasters

It has come to my attention that a large number of women over the age of 40 are stuck in a fashion rut. Most of the time they appear to dress and style themselves as they did in their twenties. I imagine the reason behind this is because this is the period of their life when they feel they were at the pinnacle of their youth and beauty and somehow they become trapped in an endless quest to maintain that. In our twenties, we finally figure out who we are and what we like. We are independent and making our own money so we can buy whatever makeup and clothes we want without fear of our mothers shaking their heads at us. In our twenties we are at the peak of our youth and eager to express ourselves.

The mistake that I see a lot of women making is that in their attempt to maintain their looks and continue expressing themselves through fashion and styling, they somehow get stuck in the past. I don't think this is at all intentional. Women honestly think they've found what 'works for them' and just keep going with it. Well ladies.. it's time to stop the insanity. If you're doing your makeup and dressing the way you were in your twenties you need a big, fricken wake up call. Quite honestly ladies.. it's painful to look at you.

We all know at least a handful of these women and, seriously, your friends won't tell you this stuff.  But do not fear! All is not lost. There's still time to change your ways and let the rest of the world see that Goddess that you truly are!

Here is a list of suggestions. And by suggestions I mean 'for the love of God ladies please listen to me!'

-If you have a favorite outfit that you currently wear that is more than ten years old, get rid of it immediately. (unless it's vintage.. but I highly doubt it.)

-(This one seems silly but it's actually happening) If you have makeup that is over ten years old, get rid of it! And go see your Doctor immediately.

-If you are over 40 you should never wear/do any of the following (some of the following apply to ladies of any age. Please use your own discretion):

Blue eye liner/eye shadow
Face/body glitter
Mini skirts (anything shorter than two inches above the knee... depending on the state of your knees :S )
Farrah Fawcett Hair
Frosted pink lipstick
Panty hose with open toed shoes/sandals
Jeans with pleats or acid washed jeans
Orange or Hot pink blush
Plucking you eyebrows halfway above and halfway below your eyebrows
Raccoon eyes (aka improper under eye circle coverage. If you don't know what this is Google it.. then make sure it's not secretly happening to you)
Facial foundation that's ten times lighter than the rest of your body
Improperly executed 'smoky eyes' (aka Black eyeliner around your whole eye)
Nose rings
Bold eye makeup paired with bold lipstick (you can only pick one.. not both!)
Short hair styles that look like Edith Bunker from the All in the Family (if you're over 40 you'll know the reference)
Short spiky hair (reference: Annie Lennox circa 1990)
Over doing it with botox and injectable fillers

Ladies, I understand you may be thinking to yourself, "Great! What the hell am I supposed to do now?" Well, I wouldn't lead you this far with out extending some extra needed guidance. There are some excellent articles out there that talk about, "Styling for your Age". Don't feel overwhelmed... Feel Inspired!!

Check out these links!

Age Appropriate Hair

How To Dress For Your Age

Is Your Makeup Aging You?


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Shameful Poops No More!

Perhaps it's always been this way, but in today's society women are completely ashamed and mortified about their poop.  I am writing this blog in hopes that it may provide a beacon of hope for your bum as well as liberate you from any anxiety you may have about dropping your 'Keester Cakes'!

Ladies... there is no need to feel embarrassed about this. It's a totally normal physiological process that everyone on earth experiences everyday... or several times a day. Don't fear these moments.. embrace them! The extent of some people's anxiety about 'Emptying the Manure Spreader' is quite astounding. I know of some women who are so paranoid about dropping the big 'Sea Pickle' at work that they literally will hold in their 'Cattle Cookies' until they get home. Other ladies have told me that they won't lay out their 'Captain's Log' until their husband is out of the house. Come on girls, let's not be ridiculous.

One of the first steps in gaining confidence in this area is realizing that everybody's shit stinks. It's just science. 

The next step is preparing yourself for a pleasant and safe 'bathroom experience'. Find yourself a nice, little, 'secret bathroom'. I call them 'The Secret Poo Bathrooms'... every work area has one. Perhaps it's that cozy, one stall bathroom in the basement of your work building, or maybe it's that private restroom at the mall that's supposed to be for "Families" only... well guess what? You've got a family of 'Sewer Serpents' ready to hit the toilet so get in there! 

Feeling a sense of privacy and control over the situation will help calm your nerves during this exciting and happy part of your day.

A helpful technique for 'smell reduction' is flushing the toilet while you're in the act of launching the 'Brown Missile'. This is also known as a 'courtesy flush'. The loud 'flushing' sound is also good cover for any embarrassing sounds coming from your 'Ham Flower'. It's always beneficial to carry a small bottle of body spray or scented hand lotion in your purse. This will help to counteract any nasty 'Black Banana' odors lingering around in the bathroom.

With all of this new found confidence and tricks of the trade you're well on your way to making 'Grunt Sculptures' like a champ!

Best of Luck ;)